Keeps the Faith

Conversion as a Process

2010-11-23T00:25:00.005-05:00

I know my follow-up post to my last post is way overdue. But I've been mulling it over for months. I think I have 6 drafts written. And I've decided that it is too much to tackle in one post. So I'm dividing it up, and I'll try to post the other sections later.

I believe that conversion is a process. It's not something that is completed upon baptism. It is something that continues throughout your whole life. I think we need to tell our new members (or members returning to activity) to expect uncertainty, set-backs, and confusion.

Tell new members that they will still be unsure about things, but that's why there is prayer, pondering, and scripture. Also, it is okay not to "know" everything, or to have a perfect testimony. Some things take time. Maybe they will never be 100% sure of everything -- uncertainty is okay! Let the new members know that they will mess up or perhaps backslide a bit, but that the Atonement is here for them and that they are worthy children of God. And finally, acknowledge that there will be confusion, culture shock, and loneliness. Encourage them to ask questions - even 'stupid' ones. Mormon culture can be very different. Be a friend - sit next to them in church, email them or call, let them know that you are there for them. Support them and their families. And always, always remember that none of us are perfect and we are all learning, but the power of the Atonement both redeems us and enables us to become better.

Backtrack

2010-10-05T22:15:00.009-04:00

For you to understand where I am going, I need to explain where I have been. I'll try to make this as short as possible. (Note: It still ended up being rather long - sorry.)

I found the LDS Church in April 2008. I was house-sitting for my parents, and some random documentary-like show was on. One of the women was Mormon, and her life and her choices were clearly guided by her faith. I thought, "I wish I could have faith like that." So on a whim, I googled "Mormon Church." I read through the entire mormon.org website, the Gospel Topics section of lds.org, and watched the PBS series "The Mormons." Amazingly, General Conference was scheduled for that weekend. (There are no coincidences.) So I watched the entire 8 hours of it, and loved every minute of it. Soon, I met with the missionaries and I was baptized that June.

But in my journey to being baptized, I had made a few mistakes. I was not upfront with J (who was my boyfriend then), nor was I upfront with my family. The announcement of my impending baptism was something of a shock to all of them. People were understandably upset and it set the tone for all of our future discussion about faith.

When I investigated the church, I really investigated it. I learned about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I learned about the church from a variety of viewpoints. This was not a mistake - it was a good thing. I felt as if I knew nearly everything about the church (in terms of theology and history) before I joined it. I always say that I went into the Church with "my eyes wide open." I rarely felt shocked about any doctrines or historical information. However, once I joined the church, I didn't stop investigating it. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but I never really settled into my beliefs. I was constantly re-evaluating them and modifying them.

I also felt ashamed about my faith and my new identity as a Mormon. It's true that it is often difficult to merge old and new identities. It takes a lot of courage and strength to change. And when you do change, people might not be happy with it. In addition, there are some negative stereotypes about Mormons, and that made me uncomfortable. So I barely told anyone that I was LDS.

I also felt as if being Mormon was almost incompatible with "being me." How could I retain my original identity while being a good member of the church? I wanted everything to stay the same, and I saw the Mormon part of me as an "add on" rather than an integral part of myself.

So it should have came as no surprise when I found myself stressed by all of this. I felt like J couldn't accept the LDS me. I found it difficult to say "Yes, I am Mormon." I struggled to unify my faith and my life. I felt like I had multiple identities. I became angry about certain things. "If only this were different!," I'd think. I lost hope. When it became difficult to physically get to church every Sunday, I just stopped trying. I needed to sort out who I was and I wasn't, and I needed to determine what to do with my faith.

To be continued...

Starting Again

2010-10-04T20:59:00.004-04:00

For the last 9 months or so, I've been in what I call a "resting phase." Most people would call it "going inactive." But I didn't walk away from the Church or stop believing it is true. I didn't change my beliefs or stop obeying the commandments. I merely stepped away for a moment, always intending to come back. However, it turned out to be difficult to return (for a variety of reasons that I won't go into now).

That said, about a week ago, someone on twitter reminded me that General Conference was going to be on October 2nd and 3rd. Watching General Conference in April 2008 was one of my first exposures to the Church. It strongly influenced my decision to learn about the church, and eventually be baptized. So I decided that I would come back to church and General Conference would be my "New Start."

I knew I had to prepare myself before Conference. I started praying again, specifically praying for the Lord to help me come back. I repented and asked forgiveness for all the transgressions I had acquired over the last nine months. (How many times had I spoken unkindly about someone? These things build up when you don't pray!) Then I watched General Conference today and Monday, since I worked Saturday and Sunday. I also watched the general Relief Society meeting, because I had missed that as well.

General Conference did not disappoint me. It was everything I remembered it to be. I always feel inspired! I love that we are always learning things; that we have the privilege to hear from the prophet and other great men and women. President Monson is always so kind. I especially loved his talk for the Relief Society meeting. In short, Conference solidified my decision to return to activity. However, an unintended result of Conference is that I now have a different relationship with my faith - and I think it is for the better. I'll write more about this change in my next post.

Be the Best You Can Be

2009-11-10T23:41:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago the Salt Lake Tribute ran a story on Harry Reid. It was a well-written story that discussed how Senate Majority Leader Reid's faith interacts with his personal and political life. I learned a lot from the article. For example, Reid joined the LDS Church in his senior year of college, as I did. He also spoke out against the church's Proposition 8 campaign in California, although he supports the church's view on "traditional" marriage. I admire Reid for the Democrat that he is and for all the service he has given our country. I also like that he can stand up for the things he believes in regardless of who might disagree with him.

However, the most interesting part for me was the following quote:

Shortly after being elected in 1986, church leaders summoned Reid to their Salt Lake City headquarters.
"It was a pretty short meeting," Reid says. "They said, here's your assignment: Be the best member of the church you can be. That was it."

I found the church leaders' statement to be most powerful. "Be the best member of the church you can be." They didn't tell him how to vote or how to act or how to dress. They simply asked him to be the best member that he could be. And that resonated with me.

If I am the best member that I can be, then no one should find fault with me, even if I do things a little differently than other church members. I think that realization eased my anxiety a little around trying to merge my pre-existing identity with my Mormon identity. I can keep doing my thing, stand up for what I believe in, and be a faithful member at the same time. If someone doesn't like the way I do things, then that's their problem. (Really, I think most people don't have a problem with me, but sometimes I get anxious and feel like they do.) So everytime I want to downplay my Mormon tendencies and fit in with the cool kids I tell myself, "be the best member that you can be." Every time my hand inches toward the coffee pot instead of the hot chocolate button I remind myself to be the best member that I can be. And the moment passes, I choose the right, I move on.

I suppose "be the best you can be" should be my motto for everything. Why do anything halfheartedly? (Because trying my best at everything sounds like too much work. Just kidding... not really.)

Thoughts?

Tongue-Tied

2009-10-27T22:48:00.000-04:00

How do you tell people that you're Mormon? I have a terrible time telling people about my faith. To the point of being afraid that somehow they will find out that I'm Mormon. The only people who know that I'm LDS are my immediate family, my close friends, a few classmates, and people from church (of course). J's family, my extended family, and a lot of people I interact with daily do not know that I'm LDS. Here's an example of my LDS identity issues from last week:

I have been doing the genealogy for all branches of my family. I've done most of it on my own but I've gotten some basic information from my relatives (some of whom don't know that I'm LDS). I am very careful about doing ordinances for only the relatives I am allowed to do ordinances for. For a few branches of my family, almost all the ordinances have been done by someone else anyway. I also like to find out the stories behind these ancestors and I've been writing up little paragraphs about my direct ancestors' lives. So there is motivation to know my ancestors beyond just collecting names and birth dates for ordinances. I see it as a way of honoring and remembering who these people were.

My grandpa recently asked me to send him the GEDCOM file from my genealogy program so he could look at his branch of the family. In my computer program I also have the LDS ordinance dates for each relative. I have about 900 people in my database and 300 families - not all of them have ordinances obviously. I could have just told my grandpa that I was LDS and that's how I knew the dates of the ordinances. We are fairly close after all. But no, I went through by hand and deleted all of the LDS ordinance entries. It took me at least an hour. I am such a wuss!

And that is just one example of how afraid I am to tell people that I'm LDS. I think I have such a hard time because I had bad reactions in the past. My mom wasn't too thrilled, J isn't too happy still, and one of my friends keeps asking me why I can't drink. Plus I think it's kind of weird to announce that I'm LDS. I wouldn't go out of my way to tell people that I was Presbyterian or Methodist, although those faiths don't have much of a lifestyle attached to them. Another part of it is that I would rather people get to know me as me before they go write me off as Mormon. We are weird, and with the whole Prop 8 thing, people can have negative feelings toward us (even if we don't personally support Prop 8). One of my LDS friends thinks I should give people more credit and assume that they're not going to react badly when I tell them. She thinks that most people would support me in something that works for me. At the very least they should have a "to each his own" mentality. That would be wonderful if people could do that. But I don't have enough confidence that they will react that way. And I lack the self-esteem to deal with it if people do write me off because of my faith.

So back to the question at hand: How do you tell people about your faith? Are you afraid to tell them like I am? How do people tend to react when you tell them?

Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy

2009-10-21T08:00:00.000-04:00

I'm doing a series of posts on the commandments, especially those which are peculiar to the Mormon faith. Sometimes those of us with non-traditional LDS families will obey the commandments in a slightly different way than what the traditional Mormon culture dictates. To me, what's important is that we keep in mind the spirit of the law and let the Holy Ghost guide us in what's right for our families. Some people may find that a strict interpretation works for them, while others may adapt a more liberal view. Interested in writing one of these posts? Click here.

The commandment that I'll be discussing this week is keeping the Sabbath Day holy. In the Gospel Topics section under "Sabbath", lds.org says,

Because the Sabbath is a holy day, it should be reserved for worthy and holy activities. Abstaining from work and recreation is not enough. In fact, those who merely lounge about doing nothing on the Sabbath fail to keep the day holy. In a revelation given to Joseph Smith in 1831, the Lord commanded: That thou mayest more fully keep thyself unspotted from the world, thou shalt go to the house of prayer and offer up thy sacraments upon my holy day; for verily this is a day appointed unto you to rest from your labors, and to pay thy devotions unto the Most High" (D&C 59:9–10). In harmony with this revelation, Church members attend sacrament meeting each week. Other Sabbath-day activities may include praying, meditating, studying the scriptures and the teachings of latter-day prophets, writing letters to family members and friends, reading wholesome material, visiting the sick and distressed, and attending other Church meetings.

Depending on how you view the commandment, keeping the Sabbath Day holy might mean that you shouldn't be shopping for non-essential items, going out to eat, playing at a friend's house, working, consuming non-religious media (TV, music, internet, video games), doing homework, or cleaning the house. It might also mean that you should go to church, pray, visit the sick, call or write relatives, or do any of the other activities mentioned in the quote above. Also, some people stay in their church clothes all day and other changes, and some people cook meals for their families and other prefer prepared or slow-cooked meals.

Here's how I celebrate the Sabbath Day: I try to go to church services, either my own or I visit a church with J. But I'm not perfect with that. After I get home, I might call up or email my friends and relatives if I'm feeling sociable. I do go online and check my email. I like to do family history work on Sundays and that keeps me fairly busy. Sometimes I will index historical records for familysearch.org. I'll cook dinner and do laundry since it's not very labor-intensive. I will also do homework, if I must, on Sundays. Sometimes I watch TV (though I do feel a little guilty about that).

Sometimes you might need to be flexible in mixed-faith families. For example, if my parents are in town, I'm not going to say no when they invite me out to lunch on Sunday. Sometimes J and I will go out to eat before or after church. Likewise, I'm not going to hole up in the bedroom if J is watching football in the family room.

As a health care provider I sometimes work on Sundays. I don't have much of a choice! People get sick regardless of the day of the week and they need to be taken care of. I don't think I would be comfortable with working every Sunday or every Saturday night (because then I'm too tired to go to church). However, I am ok with working on a rotating schedule and pulling my weight. I'm sure that in the future I'll be working on other holy days like Christmas and Easter.

If you are LDS, how do you keep the Sabbath Day holy? If you're not LDS, how do you celebrate special or holy days in your religion? If you're not religious, do you have a day that you set aside for rest and renewal?

Sabbath Day Links
Lds.org Gospel Topics: Sabbath
FHE Resource Book: Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy

American Catholic: The Sunday Zone
Shabbot Observance and Ritual
Adventist Sabbath Observance

The Commandments: A Series

2009-10-20T02:47:00.000-04:00

Over the next few weeks, I'm doing a series of posts on the commandments, especially those which are peculiar to the Mormon faith. Sometimes those of us with non-traditional LDS families will obey the commandments in a slightly different way than what the traditional and/or Utah Mormon culture dictates. In each post in the series, I want to define the commandment, explore various interpretations of the commandment, describe how we live the commandment, and state value we find in the commandment.

I'd like to invite YOU to submit a post on one of the commandments. Do you have strong feelings about a certain commandment? Do you think you and your family have a particular way of obeying a commandment? Do you find that it is harder or easier to obey certain commandments in your non-traditional LDS family? I'm planning on publishing one post from the series per week, so you would have several weeks to write and edit your post. If you're interested shoot me an email here.

Potential Topics for "The Commandments" Series
(* denotes the topic already has an author)

Keep the Sabbath Day Holy*
Observe the Law of the Fast
Live the Law of Tithing
Obey the Word of Wisdom*
Follow the Prophet
Live the Law of Chastity
Obey and Honor the Law
Endure to the End
Any of the original 10 commandments (i.e. Do not take the Lord's name in vain)

This series will be followed by a series on unofficial commandments revolving around things that some people believe we should do but are not considered a specific commandment. Topics might include family home evening, food storage, earrings and facial hair, skirts and white shirts on Sunday, etc. I'll be taking topic suggestions and authors for that series in another post.

"Non-Traditional"

2009-10-19T23:32:00.000-04:00

In my introduction, I stated that I want this blog to "support those of us who have 'non-traditional' LDS families (whatever that may mean to you)." So what exactly is a "traditional" LDS family and what is a "non-traditional" LDS family?

Please note that I fully support everyone's right to define themselves and their own families. You can view yourself however you want. I debated whether or not I should write this post because I hate categorizing people, and I feel that it can lead to an "us versus them" phenomena. Also, supporting non-traditional LDS families is only part of the goal of this blog and I encourage you to participate whether you are "traditional" or not.

In my view a "traditional" LDS family consists of parents sealed in the temple and their children. Often the parents will be sealed to their parents and siblings. Typically everyone in the family is active. The parents may or may not come from Mormon pioneer ancestry.

"Non-Traditional" LDS families may be non-traditional in one or many ways. Indeed, a family might be traditional in some aspects and non-traditional in others. I suspect most families are "non-traditional" in some way.

In non-traditional families only part of the family may be LDS, or only part of the family may be active in the LDS faith. Family members might not be sealed to one another for various reasons. Some or all family members might hold more flexible views on certain tenents of the LDS religion.

The family might consist of non-traditional family relationships such as step, foster, half, or adoptive relationships. Nontraditional families might have divorced parents, or one parent, or the guardians might be grandparents or other relatives. They might have family members with special needs. Some families might have toxic or abusive relatives, and some of the family might not want to associate with that harmful part of the family. Some family members might not be heterosexual.

Some members view themselves as non-traditional because they are unmarried adults. Others might be married adults who do not have children, or married adults who only have a one or two children. A nontraditional family might include empty nesters.

Basically if you've ever felt like your family doesn't fit into that "perfect Mormon family" mold, you might have a non-traditional family.

Whether traditional or not, I think it is important to remember that all families, like all people, have eternal worth. And sometimes that gets lost in the shuffle.

Do you agree with my assessment of "traditional" versus "non-traditional" LDS families? What would you add or subtract? Do you feel like you are part of a traditional or non-traditional LDS family? How does that effect you?

The Good Things

2009-10-18T21:51:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think I focus too much on what is wrong with the Church, or how certain things just drive me crazy. "Ugh!" I think to myself, "I do not want to go to Relief Society this week. I hate lessons on following the prophet because it always starts to sound like blind obedience." But I forget that the lesson may not be taught that way, or even if it is, I can still enjoy myself in Relief Society for other reasons. A post from Blog Segullah reminded me of all of the things I admire and love about the LDS Church.

So I thought I'd make a list of the things I love, like, admire and value in the LDS church (in no particular order):

- The focus on family relationships
- The importance of motherhood (and parenthood in general)
- The permission to have as many (or few) children as I want
- The permission to stay at home with my children
- A community that values children and families
- The notion that we are all God's children
- The idea that we can all receive revelation relevant to our circumstances
- The belief in free agency
- Temples
- Family history work and honoring our ancestors
- The idea that everyone can know God personally through prayer and the Holy Ghost
- My own personal relationship with God
- The belief that we lived before and will live after our mortal existence on Earth
- The loving support of Heavenly Father
- That Heavenly Father loves us no matter what
- That we are all brothers and sisters and that we all have worth
- A community of people who are (for the most part) trying to do what is right and good
- Continuing revelation
- The focus on helping each other, especially those who are in less fortunate circumstances

I'm sure I'm leaving things out, and might come back to add some more later. What do you love, like, admire or value about your church?

About

2009-10-18T21:05:00.002-04:00

About Me
Who am I? I am a 24-year-old woman living in Chicago. My wonderful husband, J, and I have been married since August 2009. We do not have the same faith, but through love and partnership, we make it work. I grew up in the Presbyterian church, and joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka LDS or Mormon church) in the spring of 2008. My husband grew up in a Methodist church and would probably classify himself as being a Protestant Christian, although he doesn't attend church right now.

Intentions
I started this blog in order to share the life of a interfaith couple, and to support those of us who have "non-traditional" LDS families (whatever that may mean to you). I also want to explore how I incorporate faith, which is broader than my religion, into my life, and how I navigate being the only Mormon in my family. This is the story of how I keep the faith.

Comment Policy
I invite you to comment on my posts - whether to agree, disagree or add your own thoughts. However, this is not the place to try to convert other people. I respect other people’s beliefs and I expect commenters to do the same. Comments that take on a proselytizing tone will be deleted.